he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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