thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
