Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
