no, he came in my armpit
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
