Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
