dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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