I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
