i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize