smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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