I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize