Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
