I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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