Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
