remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
