I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
