After last night, I could never be a politician.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
