I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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