I accidentally had phone sex last night
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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