Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
