Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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