My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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