Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
