I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Randomize
