I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
