I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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