Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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