I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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