I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
