My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
