If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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