I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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