he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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