for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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