Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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