Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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