So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
