I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
