i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
