census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
