I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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