I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
