my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
