i jhust puked up my retainher.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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