WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
