i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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