The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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