a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
