I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
