mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
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