I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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