checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
