I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
