I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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