I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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