At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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