why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
