my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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