no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
