I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
